My wife and I shared parental leave for our daughter in 2019. We were very fortunate to be able to do this and Cordelia asked me if I would write about our experience. I thought maybe the best way to do this would be to answer some of the questions I had before I started, and that people have often asked me since.

1. What were people’s reactions to you taking parental leave?

I experienced a range of reactions depending on who I was speaking with, but most were positive. For a lot of people, I was the first man they knew to take this time off work. So, there were always questions about how it works and the odd joke about it being one long holiday.

My work colleagues were supportive and some fathers even voiced envy because it was not an option they had had. Looking back, I enjoyed the reactions of the mothers I met who were pleased to hear I was going to share the role of primary carer with my wife. It was like I was let into a secret club where everyone shared an understanding of both how hard and rewarding it is.

2. Was it what you expected?

To be honest, not really. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it was! The first few days were a complete mess. I would forget to restock the nappy bag or forget to bring it. I can’t remember how many times I left the snacks on the kitchen table and as someone who likes to be early, I struggled with misjudging how long it would take to get somewhere or do something. People often said “oh, but you can relax when she sleeps”. Naptime wasn’t a time to relax, it was a time to get a shower, clean the kitchen, prepare the next meal, fold the clothes and if I was lucky, drink a coffee.

After a week or two I finally started to get the hang of things and we started to settle into a routine. But then I wasn’t ready for the repetition and boredom of doing the same things day in and day out. More specifically, I missed the feeling of achieving something throughout the day. I remember discussing this with my wife and she explained that this is something most mothers deal with. It took me some time to adjust my mindset to understand that unlike work with short term goals and quick rewards, this was one of the longest-term projects I would have, with the biggest reward.

Another thing that I didn’t expect was how much I enjoyed the parenting course I did with Cordelia. Every Friday my daughter and I would make the trek to Cordelia’s where we and a wonderful group of mothers would discuss a common philosophy of how to raise our children – through secure attachment. It was really an unexpected pleasure to share this time with them.

3. Did it impact your career?

From my perspective I don’t feel that taking parental leave has impacted my career. My employer was supportive of my decision to take leave and three months before my leave started, I was promoted to General Counsel. I think it’s only a matter of time before companies like mine take the next step and offer paid parental leave to fathers. I know that some larger companies already do so.

I appreciate that other fathers have had to deal with difficult employers and their experience has been the opposite of mine. This is something that I hope will change as more fathers take shared parental leave. It is important that fathers should keep insisting on using these new rights so that it becomes the new normal.

4. Are you glad you took this time? Why?

Very much so. I couldn’t imagine spending this time in any other way. I certainly won’t look back and think I should have spent this time working. What I gained is invaluable - a secure attachment with my daughter.

When she was first born, I noticed (quite rightly) that she would prefer her mother any time she was upset. I would often try to settle her, but she would make it clear that she wanted Mum and she wanted Mum now. This was a bit frustrating. Now, after my time off, she has Mum days and Dad days where she has a preference to who settles her.

I think it’s worth mentioning that we were really surprised at how adaptable she was. We were worried that she wouldn’t be able to last the day without breastfeeding or having Mum around to settle her for naps. Both this proved to be a wasted worry. My wife and I started her on baby-led weaning at 7 months old so by the time she was 8.5 months old she was enthusiastically eating three meals plus snacks a day with breastfeeding in the morning, evening and night. As for naps, breastfeeding was the only thing that would get our daughter down for a nap. However, from day one she fell asleep in my arms after a bit of singing and walking. Our nap routine was one of my favourite times, not because I would soon get a “break”, but because this is where I learned how to properly sooth her. It’s a great feeling when I can sooth my daughter with a few words or a quick cuddle. This is thanks to the understanding we now have – we are in-tune.

5. What would I like to tell the world about it?

I would highly recommend parental leave to anyone who is able to take it. You need a lot of patience and organisation, but the reward of creating a secure attachment with my daughter is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.