A new mother’s heartfelt letter to her mother-in-law
Dear MIL,
I’ve attached one of the many hundreds of articles and reports out there which go some way to explaining why we will never be leaving C to cry (or doing any kind of sleep training) especially when he is so young. I was rather taken a back at dinner when the conversation came up and I didn't have my arguments ready (because I am tired! Oh the irony!!!! Hahha!!) and anyway, this article articulates it better than I ever could. I don't feel I can walk away from the conversation as it ended without saying more. That said, I get the distinct impression this is probably one where we will have to agree to disagree! But that's ok!!! Every family and child are different, and this is the way we are choosing to look after C.
I really don't like the idea of babies being left to cry and withholding comfort / food / attention for whatever reason it's being done. Why would one want their baby to cry or be in distress? I just don't get it - it doesn't make any sense to me. Babies don't manipulate. They don't have the ability to regulate their emotions and would not understand why they / their basic needs were being ignored. Their brains are still developing, their ability to self soothe is still developing and they are still developing attachments to the people around them which is why it is so important for their primary caregiver to be fully available to them and responsive to their needs and for them to trust that person.
There is ALOT of evidence-based research in behavioural and cognitive science to support this.
It's also completely normal and healthy - biologically and developmentally speaking - for babies not to sleep through the night at this age, and to still need feeding through the night for comfort and for hunger / thirst. I intend to breastfeed C for some time (at least until he is one, and beyond if it seems the right thing to be doing) as the benefits are so great - increased IQ, secure emotional attachment, increased protection against childhood infections, allergies, and other conditions such as diabetes. His sleeping will settle when he is developmentally ready.
C is a very contented baby, I think in part, because of the way we have been parenting him so far - in a responsive way. He's a dream at the moment! All that may change of course but currently he is calm, happy and doesn't exhibit the signs of stress and anxiety I see in other babies who have been sleep trained or left to cry. He won't be spoilt as he grows up and I'm not "creating a rod for my own back". I intend to set high standards of behaviour and boundaries when the time is right - ie when he can understand what boundaries are. His sleep is already very different to what it was and is constantly developing and changing according to whatever he's going through - be it teething, colds, growth spurts, clingy phases. I expect it to get a whole lot worse before it gets better! So for the time being I'm prepared to accept some sleep deprivation. As I said, it's such a short period of time in our lives and his, and after all, in choosing to have a baby, we chose for our lives to change.
I hope that in a few years’ time, we will see a securely attached, robust, confident, independent little boy who has been responded to and interacted with - and that all these sleepless nights will have been worth it to give him the best possible start in life.
There seems to be a whole cultural discourse on baby sleep and the expectations surrounding it which is hard when you're still trying to adjust to being a mother and finding your way, your own pace and rhythm with a very new baby. I still have a lot of self-doubt, but I have to believe in my own instincts on things as much as I can - which is also hard!
Here's the article - I hope it's of interest: