How partners can be supportive and bond without giving a bottle
by Cordelia Uys, NCT Breastfeeding Counsellor
March 2022
As an NCT Breastfeeding Counsellor, I’ve facilitate dozens of antenatal breastfeeding workshops. By far the most common question expectant parents ask is how soon they can start pumping.
I know this is because it is commonly assumed that pumping and introducing a bottle will allow a new mother some freedom and flexibility, give her a chance to get more sleep and allow the baby’s father or other parent to bond with the baby.
But pumping is not always the panacea that parents-to-be imagine. In fact, many women find expressing boring, tedious and time consuming. It requires forward planning, and all the work involved with storing milk and sterilising equipment.
As one mother told me: ‘My husband wanted to give our daughter a bottle in the evening, so he could bond better with her, which meant I couldn’t refuse. It was so stressful for me, and I was always worried that I wouldn’t be able to get enough milk. Half of my day was centred around that one bottle of milk.’
In addition, because of the way breastmilk production works, in the early months, if a mother regularly goes longer than roughly 3 or 4 hours without breastfeeding or pumping, unless she has a very large breast storage capacity, her breasts will get the message to reduce milk production, and she could be at risk of developing blocked ducts and mastitis. Therefore, contrary to what is commonly believed, someone else giving a bottle at night doesn’t tend to mean mothers get more sleep because most mothers would need to wake up and pump at some point close to when their baby needs to feed.
There is also a risk that a baby who is given bottles may start to reject the breast.
How dads or partners can be supportive
There are many ways that a partner can be supportive which might be more helpful than giving a bottle, such as dealing with household chores, managing visitors, changing nappies, and bathing the baby. In particular, it’s a godsend if a partner is able to change the baby’s nappy and settle them after a night-time feed, so the mother can go straight back to sleep.
How dads or partners can bond with their baby
There are numerous ways dads and partners can bond that don’t involve feeding, such as doing skin-to-skin, bathing with the baby, babywearing, and, above all, playing. Research shows that dads have evolved to bond with their babies through play. When playing, dads release high levels of the feel-good hormone oxytocin.
Have a look at this article: https://www.bbc.co.uk/tiny.../science-of-fatherhood/zvnhjsg
‘From early on, dads can start building bonds through touch, hugs, skin-to-skin contact and massage. However, the biggest rushes of oxytocin come as baby grows and the relationship with dad becomes even more interactive…“If a dad asks me ‘what’s the one thing I can do to bond with my child?’, I’ll say ‘play with them’…What’s fascinating is there’s been this coevolution between dads and babies. They both get their biggest peak of oxytocin when they play together.”’
Here’s what my client Yael wrote about how her husband bonded with their baby girl:
‘There’s no need to express, there are so many ways partners can get special time with baby. My husband used to do skin-on-skin time with baby, cuddling and singing to her, and nappy changes when he also sang to her lots, and massaged her, and was super present, as well as time when he walked her around the house talking to her and explaining things (his 10 minute explanations of all sorts of things, for example, what stairs are, were fascinating and she enjoyed that time so much), he would “answer” all of her sounds and make it seem like it was a back and forth conversation and I loved hearing them.’
And here’s what other parents wrote to me:
Sasha: “The reality of bottle feeding is that it takes ages and actually isn’t as fun as taking them for a walk or as cozy as holding them when they sleep.”
Becky: “Breastfeeding is very special and my partner, her father, is very supportive and hands on. He has never voiced a desire to feed our baby. He has never felt ‘left out’ by not being able to feed her. They have a very wonderful bond and spend a huge amount of time together in other ways. He always tells people: ‘I do everything Becky does, except breastfeed.’”
Cameron: “Ellen is in charge of the input and I’m in charge of the output.”
Alex: “There’s a lot of guilt that gets placed on mothers to do certain things and one of those that irks me the most is “You should let dad feed the baby so he can bond properly”. What does that even mean!? And why can that bonding only happen during a feed? We play different roles in our girls’ lives and they are both special in different ways.”
Professor Amy Brown, one of the U.K.’s leading researchers into infant feeding, has written an article about why the idea that dads need to give a bottle to bond with their baby isn’t helpful to mothers, fathers or babies:
https://professoramybrown.co.uk/articles/f/bottle-feeding-is-not-the-only-way-to-bond-with-your-baby
N.B. There is research showing that, contrary to popular belief, giving a bottle of formula at night doesn’t make babies sleep longer:
And there can be an impact on a mother’s milk supply and the baby’s health when formula is given.
Research:
Relationship between types of father breastfeeding support and breastfeeding outcomes: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1111/mcn.12337