Tandem Feeding
By Cordelia Uys
October 2023.
Tandem feeding is not for the faint-hearted, but for those willing to give it a go, there can be some considerable benefits. Tandem feeding can help an older nursling come to terms with the arrival of a new baby, and many parents report significantly reduced sibling rivalry when siblings are tandem fed. From a physiological point of view, the older nursling can help establish a full milk supply which can be useful, particularly if a baby is born a bit early, or has a tongue tie. An older nursling can also usually help reduce engorgement, and clear a blocked duct pretty quickly!
A member of the Facebook group NWL Breastfeeding - 6 months and beyond, recently posted a question about tandem feeding:
F.W.: Hi wise ladies! I was hoping for some advice on managing tandem feeding.
I am tandem feeding my nearly 4 year old as well as my 6 week old, so it’s all very new. Before the baby was born, my toddler would feed only when she woke and before bed. However in the past few days/weeks, she has been asking to feed a lot more. She’s obviously going through a lot of change. I am feeling conflicting feelings about what to do. Part of me feels the need to maintain some boundaries around only feeding twice a day (newborn exhaustion, feeling a bit touched out), but also my instinct is saying I should feed my toddler when she asks which is usually when she has hurt herself or is upset (which seems to be more common these days since the birth of our baby). I’m finding it really hard saying no
Does anyone have any experience / advice on what to do and how to manage this?
Cordelia Uys: “I just wanted to say high five for tandem feeding and that I don’t think there’s a right answer to your question, it’s very much up to you. Breastfeeding is a two way relationship and if you feel you need to put in some boundaries for your almost 4 year old, there would be nothing wrong in doing so. Emma Pickett has a wonderful article about nursing boundaries and in it she talks about the opportunity to teach important lessons when breastfeeding mothers decide they would like to have some limits to when they feed their older child, or how long a feed lasts. This can be done kindly and with empathy:
Emma Pickett also has a podcast with episodes on booby monsters and on tandem feeding:
https://www.emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com/makesmilkpod
S.S.: “I tandem fed my two girls! My eldest went a little milk mad when my youngest was born, having fed only twice a day beforehand to very frequently once my youngest arrived. For about two days I tried to stop her but quickly realised why she wanted to feed more frequently and so stopped and rolled with it. It didn’t take too long for her to naturally reduce the frequency of feeds to a level that felt was more manageable for me whilst also feeding a new baby. It was a few years ago now, so I can’t remember exactly when, but at some point we then worked towards reducing feeds even further over time. As Cordelia said, there’s no right or wrong approach, only what works best for you and your daughter and the rest of your family at each stage of your journey, which will probably look different as the days, weeks and months go by. It can definitely feel very intense in those early weeks. Good luck, and congratulations!”
M.M.: “Firstly well done to you this is such a difficult time! I tandem fed, there's a two year age gap with mine. It was really hard but, older one just had to wait til the little one was finished in the early days as I was worried the baby wouldn’t get enough milk if the two year old drank it all!! I understand now that this was naive!! So, basically as long as you're happy the baby is getting enough milk I think you’re fine to carry on as you are. I had aversion towards the older one feeding for a while on and off so I just did the best I could to accommodate her.
Sounds like you're doing great! Like Cordelia says I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.
I also started feeding baby in the sling quite a lot as he was super fussy otherwise and also this usually meant milk was off the table for the older one, as she couldn't get to it and she often didn't notice that baby was feeding. So that is one strategy you could try once baby is a bit bigger, if you don't fancy feeding the bigger one sometimes.”
H.N.M.: “I am tandem feeding and it’s both amazing and tough! It’s hard and emotional having a new baby arrive so I would be kind to yourself; it’s a huge change for you too and a big transition as a person and parent. My new baby is 4 months today and my eldest just turned 3y last month. What can I share to be useful!
In the few months before the baby arrived my son was not interested in me or boobie AT ALL! He would feed once a day maybe more if he fell or something and occasionally wouldn’t feed in 24 hours, and I often thought he might wean - but didn’t! I also didn’t really have any boundaries then either - I still nursed responsively.
Queue baby arriving and it’s a different story.
- First off, a lot changes between 6 weeks and 4 months and things have settled too so how it is now likely won’t be forever.
- In the first 9 weeks or so I would 1-2 times a day feed them both together if my eldest was desperate for boobie. I really really didn’t like this as the level of stimulation was so intense. I’d have to do such deep breathing to get through it, plus if the new baby came off at all it was hard to relatch them easily without both hands and they’d often end up upset. But needs must and I mainly did this in the early weeks for morning and bedtime.
- Bedtime went out the window for my eldest for a long time mainly because I couldn’t breastfeeding my eldest to sleep as the youngest was cluster feeding. I hadn’t done bedtime for about 10 months but daddy was no longer good enough for the job it seemed. So I would breastfeed them both on the sofa and then he would fall asleep and my husband would carry him up. We changed this at 12 weeks or so so that I would go up with the baby to sleep and that made the eldest more open to going up with daddy as the FOMO of downstairs had been removed. OR time has passed and his needs had shifted!
- I also realised I couldn’t have endless boob sessions with eldest as inevitably baby would by coincidence need me during these times. I also was getting aversion from my toddler unfortunately when the session extended. So I introduced a “boobie timer” and also has a weaning conversation with the brill Emma Pickett IBCLC who had other strategies such as offering alternative connection with toddler with say 10 mins 1:1 story time etc etc or a short game.
- Boobie timer has been a game changer. I usually set it to 4 mins. This has been combined with conversations about respecting a person’s choices about where they want to be touched on their body etc. He almost always comes off as soon as the timer goes and then will mainly sit on my lap if we are watching tv or we finish the story etc. I am a massive fan of the boobie timer!
- I would also do A LOT of conversations in the early weeks with eldest about how annoying and hard it is that I can’t always be there for him exactly when he wants and that sharing me with a new baby is hard etc etc”. I basically never told him that it was good the baby was here or that it’s great to be a big brother. He told me in these conversations that he wanted the new baby to go back in my tummy - which ultimately was great to have him say with words in a safe space vs it coming out in wild behaviours (which happened in the first month massively anyway - and some of that was just toddler stuff for sure).
- At the 4 month mark and things have settled some what. My eldest asks for boobie most mornings and we set the timer and then on weekends will maybe ask once in the middle of the day and sometimes I’ll agree with a timer and sometimes I’ll say not now and it’s less of a big issue than it was in the early weeks.
- We are also engaging in toilet learning with the eldest (holy moly what a process) so continuing with this aspect of his life while this huge other transition and conflicting experience is happening in his life also seemed important.
- I also don’t want to wean! I just needed to set some boundaries around it. But certain times of day didn’t quite work for our life but they may work for you.
- In conclusion in the early weeks I was very flex on feeding toddler provided I could do it when the baby wasn’t feeding and then as time has moved I’ve felt more confident setting boundaries. If there are any follow up questions on this let me know!!
This is tough! Wishing you courage!”
C.L.: “My 2 were similar age (my eldest was 3.5years when I had my 2nd) and I found the same. She suddenly went from asking a couple of times a day to all the time!
I went with it initially. She ended up putting on some weight (had a little pot belly) . It naturally went back to normal, I think after she got over the shock of everything.
My eldest is now 18 months so it was a while ago.
I think it's fine to put in some boundaries especially if you're touched out. At that age you can be honest with her about being tired and offering to do something else instead. Maybe judge it at the time and pick your battles? You could also set a boundary before she starts e.g. Let's have milk for a few mins then do something else?
Explaining that baby needs milk because so tiny and doesn't get to eat lovely food like you can etc may also help.
I agree with others that it's up to you really, do what works for the 3 of you. It's a tricky transition for everyone. I remember getting to 3 months and feeling like I had more of a rhythm.
One thing I did for my eldest though was still feed her to sleep at night alone when possible. I felt this was important for us. Sometimes I had to tandem feed baby at the same time so it didn't always go to plan but I tried to keep it as protected as possible.
Well done to you, it's not easy initially so you're doing great. Ask for help and sit down whenever you can.”
N.T.: “Not sure I have any advice but I can share my experience. I'm currently tandem feeding a one year old and nearly 4 year old so the eldest was 2yr 9mths when the little one was born. Aside from sometimes asking her to feed extra when I was engorged or had a blocked duct, I chose to stick to morning and evening feeds only as that was what felt manageable for me and she didn't really push it. Where possible I tried to make sure the pre bedtime feed was just me and her and I still try and do that now. I also have stuck to only letting her have a few minutes on each side which I began in pregnancy when I was struggling with aversion. It's still very early days for you and it's so hard juggling everyone's needs and emotions. It will get easier!”
Y.H.: “I’m still a very new tandem feeder (4 days) so I don’t know if this is of any help, but the last two days I told my daughter (2 years and 2 months age gap) that she may feed for as long as it takes me to sing two songs. She gets to pick which songs I sing, the side she wants to feed from, and pick a side for tiny baby brother. This way I feel like I’m giving her some choices and power while ultimately having a sense of when her feeding session is over (sing faster lol ) and not getting to overwhelmed. The forst two days she only asked twice a day but now she’s asking several times and I’m still healing from an emergency C-section so I’ve decided I rather feed her more often, but with the timing of two songs so that it feels a bit manageable for me than to deny her feeds all the time. And I’m not going to lie, daddy distracting her with fun outings also helps!”
F.W.: “Thank you all for taking the time to write and share your experiences. I’m in awe of all of you! It’s so reassuring to hear that others have been through the same. I will defo use the tips you’ve kindly shared. Your responses have given me confidence and reassurance that I don’t need to stop feeding my eldest completely or give in every time but that I can set boundaries and make it work for us all. I’m so grateful.”
M.S.C.: “I tandem fed for six months. My toddler was 19 months when her brother was born and it was a lovely experience but exhausting for sure. I would do it again though. At the beginning when I was engorged, I would let the toddler nurse the breast the baby had just nursed. After a couple of months when I felt the milk production was not as wild as at the beginning, I established kind of a routine for her feeds (eg: before sleep) so if the toddler was upset with something but it was not time to feed and I could settle her in other way like cuddling, distracting her, walking around the house or reading a book, I would do it. Also spending as much time as possible with the toddler 1 to 1 and engaging in activities she really enjoyed became more soothing for her than feedings. Hope this helps. My kids are now 3 and a half and 2 years old and they are very close and love spending time with each other.”
Additional comments from a post in October 2024
S.H.: “A little bit of back story for you (I promise it’s relevant): when I had #1 I decided I was going to breastfeed for 6 months. We got to that point and I thought we’d try for a year. Just before a year I got pregnant with #2 (though it would take longer as we had struggled to get #1). I carried on nursing and by around 10/12 weeks I was dry nursing and my nipples were very tender. I seriously considered weaning. However reading comments on this group made me realise how little #1 still actually was and decided to carry on. I would wiggle my toes and count backwards from 100 to get me through, especially when feeding to sleep.
At around 8 months, I got a baby doll and treated it like a real baby, pretending to feed it, rock it, put it down for naps, carried it around in the sling etc. I also used it to teach ‘gentle’. #1 soon realised that there was no impact on their mummy bond and was quite happy. When #2 arrived #1 was very happy I told them baby had brought the milk to share. I gave the doll to toddler so they had their own baby to look after when I was looking after the actual baby.
I found tandem nursing was great for easing off the let down for #2 as I’d get my toddler to go first then swap boobs, get them to have some milk if I was engorged (just a bit) and it helped form an amazing between the 2 of them.
When I got pregnant with #3, #1 self weaned as the milk tasted ‘yucky’. I had been prepared to feed all 3 of them. #2 carried on and I did the same as previously with the countdown etc.
I slowly reduced the countdown as my supply lowered, although I didn’t loose it as I did previously. So by the time #3 arrived we were down to 10 seconds. I again kept saying ‘baby will bring the milk to share when they come out of mummy’s tummy’. #1 are absolutely fantastic with #3. They love them so much, no resentment and understand when I have to see to the baby.
Something I noticed both times is that when the newborn milk comes in, the toddler wants to nurse ALL.THE.TIME. Apparently the newborn milk is sweeter. This in turn means toddlers poo reverts to newborn style.
It is hard and I do feel touched out, however my partner is a superstar and will get up in the mornings to give me an extra hour in bed or a shower in peace, which really helps. I’ve also gone back to work in between all of them, which I find I really good for my mental health, as it allows me to be someone other than ‘mum’ or ‘boob’ haha.
Photo (above, at the start of this section) of me with my terrors. This was just after I’d had number 3 via c-section (1&2 were natural birth).
M.C.: “I am tandem feeding my two. My first born was 2 years old and 5 months when #2 came along and I have been tandem feeding for 2 weeks shy of 1 year. I didn’t intend on tandem feeding but my toddler relies on “moo” very heavily in the night time and despite habit stacking for a long time it was just too traumatic for her to give up, and I did not have the energy to spend a long time getting her back to sleep when it only takes a few minutes with magic moo!
Tandem feeding has had its challenges at times but not nearly as much as I thought. My toddler quickly got busier and busier when the baby arrived and never really asks to feed in the day now and it’s just a quick night time or back to sleep tool. I don’t like nursing at the same time as it can be a bit overwhelming so they take it in turns.
Things I have found useful:
1) Limit nursing the toddler to her bedroom - if she wants it in the day, I just take her into her room and we play and have a nurse.
2) When my toddler was upset and telling me that it was her moo and not her little sister’s, I always say that it is mummy’s moo and that I share it with both her and her little sister.
3) When my toddler comes in from school or a play date, I make sure I nurse the baby just before she gets home so that she can have it as soon as she gets in as a way of “reuniting”.
4) No supply issues whatsoever - in fact, it probably helped a bit with oversupply in the beginning.
5). I struggle with nursing aversion with my toddler at times, so I count back from 10 and she knows to stop at 1. We both call it a “quick 10”.
Overall, I think tandem nursing can be a difficult concept to get your head around until you are actually doing it. I was very overwhelmed at the thought of it when pregnant but, like all things, I just went with the flow and it is 1,000% OK.”
Y.H.: “I had my two kids 26 month apart and have been tandem feeding for a year now. I’m really glad I did and only this past week or two have both kids actually reduced the amount they drink. I found that it has made it much easier for the toddler to adjust to life as a sibling and for us to do bedtime all together when I’m alone with them. I very quickly decided I don’t love feeding them both at the same time so mostly I feed the baby first and then the toddler gets a go and I put boundaries for the toddler (at first I say 2 songs and then she came off the boob (about 2 min max) and now it’s one song or no song at all but she comes off when I tell her I want her to come off. The few weeks before her brother was born she barely nursed, really only at night and I thought she might self wean but as soon as I got back form the hospital she was so excited that I had milk. It was full on for a few months, in retrospect I wonder if I had let her nurse as long as she wanted to per session if she would have wanted it less frequently because I capped it after two songs but she wanted to feed often and always when she brother was feeding. The last few weeks she barely asks anymore. This summer she wanted to feed all the time and when we got home from a month of extensive travel I decided to tell her 3 times a day and 2 at night and that’s it. But due to her routine I think being back home she only really asks at bedtime, first thing in the morning and once in a while once she comes home from nursery. However daddy can do bedtime and she’ll fall asleep without if I’m tied up. It was magical at first to tandem feed and really helped me feel like I wasn’t taking something so important to our bond away from both of us. The decision to have a sibling wasn’t hers and so I didn’t want her to feel like something so important is being revoked and instead given to baby. It also helped me not to feel engorged at all. Nursing was the time she would cuddle or hold hands with her brother, it was very cute and sometimes overwhelming but I’m really happy we did it this way.”
Links:
Facebook group Pregnant and/or Tandem Breastfeeders:
Mothers who are tandem feeding can be more prone to breastfeeding aversion: https://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/breastfeeding-nursing-aversion-agitation-baa/
and may find the Facebook group Aversion Sucks! Breastfeeding Aversion peer-to-peer support helpful: https://www.facebook.com/groups/breastfeedingaversion/